Lazy Days and Sundays

I gave some serious consideration to sleeping in my recliner last night because it is so hard to get in and out of my waterbed right now. In the end though I wound up going to my bed at about 1:00. I was relieved to know that I could, with a little tweaking, sleep in this chair if I need to but I just love my bed! Except for the getting in and out part!

I wasn't planning to go to church today because I am staying off my leg as much as possible as long as possible. Woke up about 10:00 to realize that Bert was getting ready for church. Asked him where he was going and he said across the street. Seems like there has been one excuse after another for us to miss church forever. I'm looking forward to going back soon!

Haven't eaten anything yet today. Just made my way from bed to bathroom to recliner. Haven't even managed to get dressed yet.

Really not looking forward to going to work tomorrow! :(

Still no Nachos

But we did have Chinese food! Josiah picked up Chinese take-out for lunch. Sweet & Sour Pork, Pineapple Chicken, Pork Fried Rice, Cheese Wonton and Eggroll. Not exactly health food but I took a small serving of each item and resisted seconds! One luncheon sized plate, not over-loaded, and that was it! I'll call that a success! I ate a fortune cookie later while I was folding laundry. Something about if I walk with integrity I can run with strength. Whatever! I can't even walk ... with or without integrity!

Dinner tonight was a joint venture. I started a pot of soup and then Bert finished it up and made grilled cheese sandwiches to go with. Yummy!

It's been a rough day for my knee. I think it's getting worse as stability seems less daily. It buckled on me a few times today and I wasn't on my feet that much. Concerns me for my return to work on Monday but I really have to go. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it rather than waste tonight and tomorrow worrying.

Hard to believe that the Olympics are nearly over. In fact I may be done watching since closing ceremonies don't hold that much appeal and I'm not a soccer fan. I will say that I thought I was going to have a heart attack watching speed skating last night. That sport is INTENSE!

I should probably head to bed but there is one last load in the dryer. And ... getting in and out (especially out) of my waterbed with this knee is really difficult and painful. I'm starting to consider sleeping in my good buddy the recliner! We'll see.

That's it for now. Until later ...

Bad Idea

It's late and I will head to bed soon. Just one more "deep thought" to share before I close down for the day ...

It is not a good idea to google knee ligament injury while waiting for an MRI!

Just sayin ...

Emotional Eating

I have a long and complex relationship with food. One of the things that I have recognized a need to overcome is my impulse to eat (and eat the wrong things) when I am in any sort of bad mood. Of course many experts suggest going for a walk or exercising in order to postpone the urge to eat and that's not exactly an option at the moment. I think what really annoys me is that I have wanted nachos for days and I still didn't eat those ... so I still want them! Oh well ...

So here's how it goes. I got up at about noon. I know ... I'm a bum! My knee was extremely painful so just getting dressed and getting to my recliner was all I felt up to. There were a few crackers by my chair so I ate those but nothing else. Finally got the calls that I needed in order to get an MRI scheduled (Tuesday morning at 7:45) and was feeling rather frustrated. A couple of trips to the bathroom resulted in increased knee pain. So I was achy, emotional, and hungry. Not a great combination. Bert and Joe got home on either side of 5:00 and I started to feel pressure (self-induced) to do something about dinner. One more trip to the bathroom and just going from a standing position to a seated one caused intense pain. Hobbled back to my room and cried. Bert came and told me I could watch what I wanted to in the living room so after a bit I got up and came back in here. Spent about 15 minutes trying to find a Chinese food menu online. Finally decided I didn't need to spend the money or calories so I threw a pot of pasta and a pot of sauce on the stove. Simple enough and it didn't require constant attention. Ate at least twice as much pasta, sauce and cheese as I needed though under the circumstances it was within my calorie allowance. LOL.

My other questionable choice regards something that was definitely NOT on track and not worth it! I don't remember when I first saw the little styrofoam box sitting so innocently on my kitchen counter. Yesterday? Day before? I peeked into it and realized that it was a yummy appearing cinnamon roll! I do love cinnamon rolls!  I asked Josiah yesterday where it came from. He didn't know. Asked Bert today and he said he had brought it home. (Need to have a chat with that man!) So tonight after Bert had gone to bed and I was craving something sweet ... it called out to me and I answered! Sigh! It wasn't that good either. Kind of stale. Definitely not worth a violation of my dietary principles.

Oh well ... tomorrow is another day.

Grrrrrrrr!

Okay. I confess that I have once again been frustrated to the point of tears! I decided this morning that I have waited long enough and I was going to call my doctor and say it's time to do the MRI on my left knee. Then I stayed glued to my phone just in case they called back. About 30 minutes ago I got up to go to the bathroom and stubbed my toe on the recumbent bike, growled, and then hobbled to the bathroom where I sat down and ... heard my phone ringing back in the living room! Sure enough it was the doctor's office agreeing that I should have an MRI. (Thank you!) So ... suspecting that I knew what would happen I called the Imaging Center to schedule said MRI. I was right. They need a physician's referral. And Dr. Movva's office closed at 3:00. I left a message there anyway and then called my PCP and left a message for the nurse who thankfully called me right back. I explained what I needed to her and she said she would call the Imaging Center and call me back. So here I sit ... waiting for a phone call so I can go get an MRI that I've known I needed since Monday! Is it okay if I scream now?

Friday Fragments

My online friend, Amy, at The 4th Frog Blog, has adopted a weekly blog entry called Friday Fragments (a collection of random thoughts) which almost always makes me laugh. Decided that I would join her ... at least for this week! And just an FYI ... Amy is one of the funniest, and most honest, bloggers I know! Stop by and see her some time! I bet you'll become a fan!

I really wish I had Asian genes. Not that there are no heavy Asian people but they are far more rare than heavy Caucasians! And they're "ageless" to boot! We were sitting at lunch with one of my co-workers one day and she commented on how long she had worked in our office. I responded that she couldn't be that old and she laughed about the "ancient Chinese secret!" I was reminded of that this week when I looked up my doctor on Health-E-Grades and it said he had been practicing for 25 years and was 46 years old. I was truly shocked. I would have guessed he was at least 10 and maybe 15 - 20 years younger than that!

Why does every flat surface in my home become a resting place for junk? It is not any one person. We all contribute to the stuff collection. I put a coffee table in my living room and you can no longer see the top! It is covered by newspapers, tissues, cold medicine, books, tools, an unopened razor that I gave my huband for Christmas, etc. I put it there to look nice and to be a place to set food or drink while watching TV. It's not working!

While we're talking about the coffee table ... I folded up all the blankets, quilts, afghans, etc. that tend to live in our living room (Bert is always hot ... I am always cold) and put them on the bottom shelf on the coffee table. Less than an hour later my pomeranian had found them and made himself at home. That's his new favorite spot. Kinda cute!

I called the doctor's office and told them that I want a referral for an MRI of my knee now. She said she would put a note on my chart for the doctor and call me back. Any bets on whether I get a response and what that response will be?

My external hard drive (connected to my DISH receiver) is still not working correctly and I'm trying to decide whether or not I have sufficient patience to call Customer Support (again)! I don't think so!

I have enjoyed having the extra time to enjoy watching the Olympics this week. It's been nice to be able to stay up late knowing that I can sleep in the next morning. Kind of dread having to put myself back on a more responsible schedule next week.

I don't think my new scale (replacement for one that didn't work) is working right. Argh! I weighed exactly the same (to the tenth of a pound) a few days ago, last night, and this morning. No matter what time of day or what I was wearing. Hopefully that number will drop soon.

I am a scale addict! Seriously! Last paragraph not withstanding I am trying to do better. Last time I was "dieting" I would weigh every time I went in the bathroom (before and after using the toilet). I think that silly number means way too much to me!

I cannot use crutches and I'm a little worried about that since I suspect that I may need to use them for a while. Last time I tried ... I had a sprained ankle and the ER sent me out on crutches. I fell in the parking lot. I'm just not that coordinated! And the problems with my left arm will undoubtedly make that worse!

I want a cat! A friendly, snuggly, little kitty who will sit in my lap and purr. Every cat I have ever owned has been a fiercely independent cuss that did not fit that description. And my husband hates cats. Guess I'll have to teach Copper (pomeranian) to purr! :)

I believe that laughter truly is good medicine! (Proverbs 17:22) Maybe I should send Bert and / or Josiah to Blockbuster to stock up on Romantic Comedies. In the meantime these things always make me laugh: Sesame Street furry monsters (Grover, Elmo, even Oscar ... not such a fan of Bert, Ernie, Kermit, Miss Piggy or Big Bird), Weight Watchers Hungry, Despicable Me movie ads and trailers, funny e-mails, the way my dogs (Pomeranian and German Shepherd) relate to each other, etc.

My family is taking very good care of me and I am grateful! The bring me ice packs and water and whatever else I need (even if they don't stand behind me fanning me with palm fronds and feeding me grapes ... haha) and are taking care of dishes, meals, etc. so that I can stay off my feet. And though I tend to feel sorry for myself and think that no one knows how much I hurt ... I know that they do care! Bert's facebook status is a request that people pray for me. Josiah dug out a cane that we had bought a few years ago at Silver Dollar City for me to use if it will help me. I am grateful for both of them and their love and care for me.

My favorite foods:

• fruit: berries (strawberries and raspberries especially) and pears
• vegetable: romaine lettuce, red onions, broccoli, mushrooms
• meat: prime rib, ribeye, pork steaks, short ribs, chicken thighs
• fish: salmon, shrimp scampi
• eggs: scrambled with cheese, omelets
• starch: pasta, home made rolls
• sweet treats: Mom's Graham Cracker Pie, Mom's Penuche, Key Lime Pie, several of Braum's Ice Cream flavors, SDC hot Apple Dumpling with Cinnamon Ice Cream and Caramel Sauce
• nuts: cashews!
• beverage: water (really), Coke Zero, Sprite Zero, Raspberry (or Strawberry) Lemonade, Raspberry Peach Crystal Light

I still miss Steak and Ale. Not sure I will ever find another steak house that  I like that much although Longhorn is really good and I love the steaks and prime rib at Outback or Texas Roadhouse.

I LOVE cheese and really wish it was a low calorie food! I probably miss cheese (in vast quantities) more than anything else now that I am trying to control calories.

I really enjoy Water Aerobics and I'm excited about getting back to it when I am physically able to do so.

I think the University of Tulsa has an absolutely gorgeous campus and I continue to hope that my knees will heal to the point that I am able to spend my lunch hours walking this spring and summer.

There are hardwood floors under the carpets throughout my house and we keep saying we are going to pull the carpets out. I really want to do that this summer. I love hardwood floors and I am tired of these dingy green carpets.

I also want to paint my living room and dining room in an "autumn colors" palate. I thought the ivy mural in the dining room was pretty when we moved in here but I am way over it!

I live 3 or 4 houses south of a fire station and my German Shepherd howls every time she hears a siren. It's an interesting combination and never fails to make me smile.

I watch too much TV (though that is probably excusable at the moment). Mostly HGTV and Food Network. The other shows that I watch are Survivor, Amazing Race, American Idol, Hell's Kitchen, etc. ... Reality TV. I like watching but I would NEVER go on one of those shows. My testimony would be destroyed too fast if cameras were on me 24/7! I also like to watch news shows like 48 Hours or Primetime so I watch ID channel when I'm home during the day. Josiah thinks it's awful that I find it entertaining to watch hour after hour of the worst of humanity. LOL. The only non-reality series that I watch regularly is LOST. I still think they're making it up as they go along and I am now utterly lost myself!

I like to read but have to be in the mood for it ... or stuck in a car with no other options. Not in the mood right now. I started reading Ted Dekker's Green a few weeks ago. It almost never takes me this long to read a book.

I called the doctor's office at 1:00. They close at 3:00 (must be nice). It's now 3:15 and they haven't called back. Hope you didn't bet that they would. I guess I'll have to call again on Monday. Sigh!

Moving the treadmill from my bedroom to my dining room (which I wanted to do over Christmas break) has not happened yet. Maybe some day soon ...

I love the Dining room set that my husband bought me for Mother's Day a few years ago but most of the chairs have broken and I would really like a smaller set. Maybe some day.

I am a wicked procrastinator! I have to reconcile 2 checking accounts (business and personal) back to about July and enter Credit Card statements for the same period before I can submit our taxes to the accountant. I am very unmotivated to do anything about that even though I know the clock is ticking. I will not be relieved when I have it done because I KNOW it will be bad news and I don't need any more of that!

I'm hungry enough that my stomach is growling but I'm home alone and my knee hurts worse than my stomach so I'm not going to do anything about it ... at least not yet!

I love when I get followers added to my blogs (I have 3 public blogs that I write on fairly often) though I am plagued by wondering whether any one is out there reading and a completely opposite thought ... wondering if I should really be saying some of what I say in public. I know that written thought is easily misinterpretted and I don't want my words to hurt any feelings.

That's probably way too many fragments. :)

Later ...

I want nachos!

There are chips and cheese and jalapenos in my kitchen. I even have Salsa, Sour Cream and Guacamole. I could make some killer nachos! But after that 800+ calorie sandwich I can't afford it so I ate a pear and an orange. It's not the same ... That scale better be nice to me Monday!

Confused and Frustrated

... but still blessed!

We've been having a technical issue with Dish Network. About a month ago I bought a BIG (2 Tb?) External Hard Drive to connect to my DISH HDTV Receiver so we could save even more movies and tv shows for later viewing. (Like we need massive amounts of time wasters on hand!) They actually have the nerve to charge a "one time service fee" of about $50 to flip whatever switch allows that connection. Josiah then downloaded most of the movies, etc. that were taking up space on the DISH Receiver freeing up tons of space. All good ... right? Well that's where I get confused! We can tell that the space has been taken up on the External Hard Drive but we cannot access what's on there. Grrrrrr ... so today I called DISH and they had me change a few settings here and there and then told me it should work now, thanks for calling. Except I don't know what we changed and I still can't see anything in the My Media folder! Not calling back today though because it wouldn't take a whole lot to frustrate me into tears!

My knee really aches today. The brace helps. The ice helps. Staying off it helps. It still hurts! A lot! And it seems like everyone has an opinion about what may or may not be wrong and what I should or shouldn't do to diagnose, repair, prevent future problems, etc. Bert says that even when I can walk again he doesn't want me to go to water aerobics. He thinks I should just do upper body with weights and stretching. I hear where he's coming from but that opinion completely ignores the reality of the issue with my neck and left arm. So if I can't put weight on my feet and I can't lift weight with my left arm ... what the heck can I do? And my doctors say that water exercise is a good idea and one of the best things I can do. So I don't want him to tell me that I can't do that! I KNOW I need to be more careful and not overdo but I need to be allowed to do what I can when I can! In the meantime other friends and family want me to consider this and that and the other and goodness knows I appreciate that they are concerned for me and want to find ways to help. And some of it bears some consideration. I'm just way beyond frustrated! And the one person that I really want to be giving me answers and ideas and options (my doctor) says wait and see!

I feel about 99% sure that I am going to wind up needing an MRI so I really wish I could go do that today or tomorrow instead of waiting til next week when I will have to take time off work to go do it! And I really don't like MRIs so I would rather go do it than wait in dread of it! And the lack of answers is a big problem for me ... I can imagine far worse possibilities than what may be the case. So I'm trying not to go there. Sigh ...

Bert met a friend at McAlister's Deli for lunch today so I asked him to bring me a sandwich. Horseradish, Roast Beef and Cheddar Panini. Yum! I enjoyed it thoroughly until I went to the McAlisters website for nutrition information. 800+ calories! It's not horrible but I am trying to maintain a 1250+ deficit between calories burned and calories consumed. When I'm active ... no problem. When I spend the whole day in a recliner with ice on my knee it's a lot harder to get the necessary burn. So I'm trying to strictly limit calories and 800+ wasn't on the agenda for lunch!

My "Comfort" Zone

I probably ought to have someone take a picture of me here in my little nest so I can post it on my 365 Blog. I am nestled into a recliner given to me by my friend, Charlotte (and her family), with a lap quilt made by my sister-in-law, Valeria, keeping me warm. (At least the parts of me not covered by ice!) On top of the quilt is a giant pillow, made by my sister-in-law, Lila, that serves as a resting spot for my laptop. My laptop is an HP that I bought from Josiah when he upgraded to a Mac. It's an oversized *entertainment* laptop so there are times when it isn't as handy as a smaller one would be but here in my little nest it's perfect! And I sit here in my cozy nest literally surrounded by the works of loving hands watching the HDTV that my family gave me for Christmas last year. I am blessed!

The High Price of Obesity

Earlier this season on The Biggest Loser there was an episode in which they showed a married couple what their obesity cost them over the course of their life time. Cash in the back of an armored truck. LOTS of cash! I don't remember the exact amount but I think they underestimated! Thinking about what my injuries (complicated as they are by obesity) combined with various ailments that could be resolved by losing weight (blood pressure for one) is costing me ... medical bills, prescriptions, time lost from work, etc. ... LOTS of money! It's pretty scary!

I saw Dr. Movva today and he told me to buy a knee brace (no easy feat with legs the size of mine) and stay off my leg for the rest of the week. If it isn't better next week he will send me in for an MRI to see if there is damage above and beyond arthritis. He gave me my last Ortovisc injections while I was there. I just sat and cried through the whole blasted appointment! He kept saying "hopefully you will feel better soon" while I was pessimistically wondering why I have to wait til next week for an MRI which I will then have to wait for the referral and scheduling. And then the reading of films and potentially a referral to an orthopedic surgeon. More waiting! I'm just frustrated! And I hurt. And I'm weepy!

I left the doctor's office (with my work release in hand since I'm supposed to stay iced and elevated til next week) and went in search of a super-sized knee brace. Not wanting to walk any more than necessary I began my search by calling the pharmacy that we regularly use. Nothing in stock but she was willing to look in some catalogs. That didn't sound too promising so I drove to the pharmacy that the doctor had specified as being the most likely place to find one. The lady measured my thigh which was about 8 inches larger than the 3X Brace would accommodate. She suggested using a ace bandage. I was underwhelmed by that option and asked if she could recommend anyplace in town that might be able to help me. Her only suggestion was Soft, Inc. so she gave me their address and phone number. I limped out to my truck and debated whether I should call my doctor and scream "I told you so" or call Soft. I decided to call Soft. The very helpful lady there asked me a few questions and said she thought she could help me so I drove there and sure enough they found a knee brace that fit even my leg! It may be a 4X and the largest they carry but being able to find one in stock that would work for me made me feel a little more human. I acknowledge that part of my obesity is my own darn fault but part of it is genetic predisposition and in our culture even the part that is my fault can be deemed an "illness." I hate being treated as almost sub-human because I have needs outside the realm of the norm. Anyway .... that's a soap box that I will dance on another day! The lady showed me how to put on and adjust the brace and $132 later I was off and ... well ... limping!

Called work to update them on what the doctor had said and the fact that I won't be back til Monday. Charlotte and Alicia were both very caring and supportive. I am blessed!

Went to my usual pharmacy to pick up a few prescriptions (Ka-ching!) and came home to hang out in a recliner with my friend the ice quilt. Talked Joe into going to the bank for me in an effort to stave off any bouncing checks.

Salmon is in the oven and wild rice on the stove. I feel like crap and I'm still frustrated but I will hang in there!

Recliners, Ice Bags (Corn Quilts), Satellite TV, and my Laptop!

Just a few of the many things I am thankful for today! I would have to add my amazing family, supportive husband, caring co-workers, and reasonably close bathroom to the list!

I called Dr. Movva's office this morning about 8:00 and left another message (at least I wasn't crying this time) since they don't open til 9:00. Hadn't heard from them by 10:00 so I called again. Nurse said to stay off it as much as possible, ice it, and they would x-ray it when I come in for my third injection on Friday. If the last 2 years has taught me anything it's to not just accept unacceptable answers from medical people so I told her that she wasn't hearing me, I was in a lot of pain and unable to walk. She said to come in tomorrow instead. Now I just hope, and pray, that the x-rays show what is wrong! In the meantime the pain is tolerable as long as I stay off that leg. I can barely maneuver through the house so I stayed home from work. So incredibly grateful that this happened AFTER our busy season!

Anyway ... fast forward an hour or two and I missed a call from Dr. Coffman (primary care). He left a message saying he was returning my call, I hadn't called him but I did call him back. He said some people take a long time adjusting to the change from Armour to Synthroid but my thyroid levels tested high normal so I need to be patient. The fatigue and muscle pain will decrease with time. He also agreed with me that I am probably having some of the pain and fatigue because of the ongoing issue with my knees. We also talked briefly about my blood pressure. It's higher than it should be but lower than it was and he believes it will continue to drop as I lose weight.  None of that was the magic feel good pill that I wanted but it is a set of answers that I will accept for now!

Food today hasn't been too exciting. I slept late since I was waiting to talk to the doctor before deciding whether or not to attempt work. Once I recovered from showering and dressing I made a smoothie to which I added a half cup of plain yogurt. I didn't LOVE the addition but I do love the health factor of the live cultures in the yogurt. Besides that I have eaten an apple, a pear and a small piece of leftover chicken. I know my diet is sadly lacking in vegetables. I keep hoping fruit will make up for it. :) Besides which I don't want to spend much time on my feet.

Will channel surf between Olympics and American Idol tonight. Be glad next week when Biggest Loser is back! I miss my inspiration! I keep marvelling at what those BIG guys can do with bad knees!

Thanks for your encouragement! I'm trying to see the sunshine! :)

I didn't think this day could get worse ...

I was wrong.

Warning! What follows is honest because I am trying to document this journey honestly but it is not pretty and may not be pleasant to read. Please feel free to skip this post. On the other hand ... if at some point you, or someone you know and love, faces similar trials, it may help to know you are not alone and so I write, even the hard things!

I have been having severe pain in my left knee. Trying to buy that it's just arthritis and the injections will help but that's getting harder to believe. Today I chose to go to Wal Mart at lunch because there are a few things that we need and Bert is sick. When I got there I realized that I needed to go to the bathroom. Limped there as fast as I could. It wasn't fast enough. Finished shopping and went home to clean up and change clothes. Got back to work a few minutes late, shaking with pain and exhaustion. Ate my apples and peanut butter for lunch.

Drinking lots of water because that's good for me, right? Well ... yes ... and no. Each successive trip down the hallway is more painful! Especially when I try to hurry. About 2:30 I landed back in my office in tears because it hurt so bad! Less than an hour later I had to go again. Tried to hurry (understandable right) and it felt (and sounded) like fireworks going off in my left knee when I turned into the stall. I screamed and nearly passed out from pain and then sat on the toilet crying and trying to gather up the gumption to walk back to my office.

I was walking really slowly across the lobby, trying not to put much weight on my left leg, and Peggy asked why I was walking so slowly. I told her my knee hurt and then she said something that made me laugh and I stepped wrong. More fireworks. And I suppose I screamed again. I just headed for the nearest chair. I think she was nearly crying in sympathy. Then I realized people were looking down the hall to see what was going on and I was humiliated! So I limped back to my office as fast as I could.

Alicia came to check on me and I told her I think I need to toughen up. She said she doesn't think so. I don't really think that's the answer either. I called Dr. Movva's office but they close at 3:00. Not sure what they'll do anyway. Took a pain pill and 2 advil.

Guess Water Aerobics is a no-go for today.

I'm so tired of this ....

Monday ... all day long!

I spent the weekend nursing my sore knees and trying to waylay the cold germs that seem determined to get me. Woke up this morning and stepped onto my scale for my Monday morning weigh in and was UP 4 pounds! Sigh ... That's the way it goes in my world! None of those little fractional bobbles. I bounce by leaps and pounds! Oh well! I decided to split the diiference (for my official weight) since I was down all 4 of those pounds at the doctor's office on Friday. I'm pretty sure the gain is entirely water and will depart in a whoosh whenever it gets good and ready to do so!

So ... where were we?

Friday morning I was able to sleep in a bit since I had taken the day off to run from one doctor's office to the next. Had to go to South Tulsa lab for fasting bloodwork. They tried to get sufficient blood from my left arm but couldn't so they switched to the right. Fun times. (Yeah right!) From there I went to 21st & Utica for allergy shots. (3 in my right arm.) Up Utica to make a bank deposit and then across 15th to a Post Office that I don't go to very often. Suprised I didn't hit anything while I was rubbernecking trying to find the drive up mail boxes. Turned out they were in the middle of the road (driver's side of the car) so I had to make a U-turn to mail my house payment. From there I drove to Red Lobster (51st & Yale) to meet Bert for lunch. I had a piece of stuffed flounder and a piece of salmon (create your own platter) with salad and broccoli. Totally resisted the biscuits! Yay me! From there I went south on Yale to Dr. Movva's office for the second in my series of knee injections. He was, as aniticpated, pleased that I am losing weight. We discussed whether I have noticed any improvement from  treatment so far and he reiterated the fact that knees will not evidence much, if any, improvement until after 3rd injection. Limp-bounced back out to my little truck, feeling pretty good, and drove to Sams to do some shopping. Midway through Sams it was like I hit a wall. My legs hurt so bad and I was just shaking with fatigue. I wanted to go sit in the furniture aisle and cry! I made it through the checkout, got a sugar free lemonade, and sat in the Cafe area until I stopped shaking. Finally made it home safely after being stuck in traffic for about 45 minutes (should have been a 10 minute trip at most). Bert unloaded the groceries and I put them away. Went back out to pick up some antibiotics for Josiah. Ordered Papa John's Pizza for dinner and was appalled to note that pizza runs about 350 calories a SLICE! Glad I only ate 3! Should have stopped at 2! Watched Olympics and went to bed.

Saturday I didn't do much. Slept late. Made Chicken and Rice for dinner. Watched TV. Sunday was mostly a repeat of Saturday since we were all battling various stages of a respiratory infection and didn't feel up to going out. I went to Walgreens for emergency supplies of tissue and decongestant while a pan of hot wings was in the oven. Ate a few wings with blue cheese dressing, watched Food Network and the Olympics, made a pot of Chicken Enchilada Soup, did piles of laundry. Decided to have a protein smoothie for dinner. Josiah wanted nachos. Bert wanted tuna on toast. I fixed both of their choices and was hit by overwhelming fatigue and shakiness again. Sat for a while before making my smoothie. Spent the evening watching TV and folding laundry. Dishes are piled up on the kitchen counter because nobody had enough energy to tackle them this weekend.

And along comes Monday ...

Josiah is finally feeling some better. Bert has a full blown cold. I feel like I may be getting one but so far it's just sinus congestion and headache. Got up, made my smoothie to go, and came to work. Settled in to do my work and my cell phone rang. Nurse with labwork results. She said all my levels are normal so continue with current meds. I want to cry! I am still experiencing moderate muscle pain and extreme fatigue! Something is NOT right! I told her so and she said she'll talk to the doctor and get back with me. I think I have too many things going on right now and everything gets blamed on something else. I'm just tired of feeling like crap!

I also think there is something wrong with my left knee that the x-ray didn't show. Not sure what. I am feeling some benefit from the injections in my right knee but the left one gets worse every day and I am to a point where any walking is just almost excruciating! I'll give it until after I finish the injections and then decide which of my doctors to complain to!

I guess I'll spend my lunch hour "running" to the store for milk, fruit and juice, and then home to put them away so I can go to Water Aerobics after work.

I'm gonna get there ... one of these days ...

Uh oh!

I guess I overdid it a bit last night. By the time I got home from work tonight I was shaking from pain and exhaustion. Bert took one look at me and said an hour (aerobics yesterday) was too long and when I go back next week I need to start out at about 20 minutes at a time. Hopefully it won't take too long to build my strength back up.

I did it!

I argued with myself the whole way there but I persevered and went to the 5:30 Water Aerobics class at Thornton YMCA. I think I was watching the clock, wondering how much longer I could last, by 5:45! But I hung in there for the full hour! There were a couple of times that I moved in a way that really *hurt* and I commented, in my head, that I thought water exercise wasn't supposed to hurt! I made adjustments to my performance of the exercises as necessary to protect my joints and enable me to stay with the class. Once I got out, at 6:30, I headed straight for the hot tub but I didn't stay there long! Too afraid I would fall asleep! :) I was amazed, and somewhat appalled, by how completely worn out I was! It was all I could do to buy a few groceries, take some videos back to Blockbuster, take out the trash, watch American Idol and go to bed!

This morning I am REALLY sore and my legs seem a bit swollen. Be that as it may I am committed to hanging in there and buidling up my strength and endurance while I'm working on losing this weight!

I'll get there one of these days!

Ouch!

I'm trying to limit my complaining but there are times that I just have to say that this hurts! Today my left knee is hurting really badly and shooting pains down into my shin. I hate this! For the second Wednesday in a row I chose to stay in my office for lunch rather than go to WOW because it hurts to walk and I don't dare risk hurting it worse. I am really praying that the Orthovisc injections will work and/or that God will give me the grace to handle the pain.

On a lesser note ... I have really chapped lips today and an orange for my mid-afternoon snack seems to have further irritated them. Oh well.

I'm drinking plenty of water even though that means several trips down the hall over the course of the day. I think I'm down to 2 small (10 oz) bottles of Coke Zero daily this week. That's really good for me but I need to eventually get to where I enjoy soda only on rare occasions!

Still thinking that I will go to a Water Aerobics class tonight though I haven't decided which. Probably Thornton since it starts later and my work schedule requires working til 5:00. I need to check with Josiah too because he went home sick (migraine) at noon and may want me to come home.

I also need to stop at a store to stock up on apples (to go with my peanut butter). :)

hmmmm .... time for another trip down the hall ....

Yech! Stood up (and went down the hall) and started feeling really nauseous. Not sure if it's a virus or just that I'm eating differently. Whatever it is ... I don't like it!

haPpy hUMp dAy

My stomach ache never did give up last night. I had set my alarm for 5:00 (when I opted not to go to class yesterday evening) but I reset it when I went to bed because I was just really hurting. I ate 6 whole grain saltines for dinner/snack and they seemed to settle it some. Guess maybe my ulcer is kicking it up a notch. :( Anyway ... I watched American Idol, fixed soup for Bert's dinner and bacon and eggs for Josiah, and went to bed about 9:00. Figured that if I naturally woke up at 5:00 I would get up and go to the pool but otherwise I would sleep as long as possble. I woke up at 3:00 (go figure) and realized that was way too early so I went back to sleep! Next thing I knew it was 6:50. Blew it again! :( I did throw my Gym Bag in the truck this morning so I am planning to try to go this afternoon. I KNOW that once I make exercise a regular habit I will enjoy it! But getting started is a real battle!

Had a harsh reminder last night that I have procrastinated way too long on getting my allergy shots! I'm not sure exactly what causes this ... it's almost an asthmatic reaction where I cannot get a breath in. I have been tested for asthma and I don't have it so it seems that it's just a bad allergic response but whatever it is ... it's scary! Hadn't done that in a long time. I was talking to Joe and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe. I was wheezing and trying not to panic and he was pounding on my back (not an entirely pleasant sensation) and it crossed my mind that I really didn't wish to die like this! I finally calmed enough to swallow a sip of water and that cleared it. I just hate it when that happens! Definitely getting my shots started again this week!

I purchased a BodyBugg Wireless Communicator recently to keep at work so that I can easily update my calories burned without waiting til I get home at the end of the day. Not sure what is in the silly little thing to make it worth $50! It may weigh half an ounce! USB cable plugs into the back of it and it reads the data from my armband without my having to remove the BodyBugg from my arm. Actually I would like one for at home too but that can definitely wait a while! I have to take it off my arm and plug it into the USB cable periodically to charge the battery back up anyway! I also got a spare cable (glad I did since I had to plu the wireless communicator into it) and a spare Display Clip and Arm Band. Not the BodyBugg itself but the fabric band that holds it on my arm.
I have been being quite disciplined about entering my Calories Consumed data in the program lately even when I am not thrilled with my choices! (Honesty works best when food journalling!) I wrote a post, on my other blog,  Body Bugg 2 Weeks and Counting, back in October which has more detail about how the device and program work if you're interested.  Except for a couple of days when I made really poor choices (Sunday evening and Monday lunch) I have been exceeding my calorie deficit goal even though I'm not getting the exercise yet. I'm usually about 500 - 750 shy of my calorie burn goal so I don't eat as many calories as I am allowed either. That way everything stays in balance.

I am a bit dubious about the BodyBugg assertion that a calorie burn higher than calorie intake always results in weight loss. Over the long run maybe. But I know from harsh personal experience that physical challenges, hormone imbalances, stress levels, etc. can all affect the scale! Even when calories are in check! And one of the things that Dr. H (Biggest Loser) said that really struck me is that these people who are gentically predisposed to obesity MUST participate in a regular exercise plan for the rest of their lives no matter how closely they watch calories or they will regain the weight! Is it fair? NO! But it is a reality of my life and I need to accept it, embrace it, and work with it!

Tulsa is staying really cold, which makes it difficult for me to work up a whole lot of drive to go to the pool, but at least the sun is shining today! My class options tonight are 5:00 at Hutcherson (closest to home and a smaller YMCA facility) or 5:30 at Thornton or Owasso. The Owasso class is called "Power-Up" so I would assume that it isn't a great starting point! I got gas this morning so that I can go straight to the Gym after work. My inclination is to leave work about 4:30 (if possible) to do the class at Hutcherson but on the other hand ... Thornton has a hot tub! Or they did last time I was there. I love hot tubs! We'll see!

I need to figure out what day this week or next to go in and get my fasting lab work done. Since I am taking a half day Friday for my knee injections anyway I'm tempted to just take the whole day off and spend the day running from one doctor to another. Doesn't that sound fun? I don't know. I guess I'll ask my boss if she has a preference. I'm really quite weary of having to use vacation time for medical stuff! I want a real, relaxing vacation!

Guess that's it for now. More later ...

Excellent Customer Service!

In April of 2009 I ran across a recommendation for a company called Decent Exposures http://www.decentexposures.com/ that custom makes bras, etc. I ordered a couple and have been very impressed with them so when it was time to invest in a few new ones I ordered from them again. I couldn't recall exactly what size I had ordered before so I measured (although I did so while wearing a sweater) and placed my order. They e-mailed me today (I think I placed the order yesterday) to confirm size because I ordered a different size this time than I did last time and to advise me that one of the styles I ordered tends to run looser than the other so I might want to adjust cup size on that one. I made the suggested changes and already received a reply confirming those changes. All that and I will have my custom (made to fit ME) bras in about 3 weeks! I wish I had remembered that they make swimwear when I was ordering that! :)

Blah ...

I'm sure you will be, understandably, dubious but I was really hoping that I would be able to dredge up the gumption to go to a Water Aerobics class tonight. I never really want to go back out once I get home at the end of the workday so I knew I would be fighting an uphill battle if I didn't bring the necessary apparel (swimsuit & water shoes) with me but I still thought I might make it. Unfortunately this stomach ache that has been hanging with me all day seems to be getting worse. Judging by the abdominal pain and pressure I am assuming that it is constipation. (Too much fiber can be a bad thing.) Besides that I have my omnipresent headache kicking it up a notch. I could feel better by 6:15 but I'm not counting on it. But then again ... I could surprise all of us!

edited at 5:45 - Still lots of abdominal discomfort (I took a Gas-X) but I was still debating going (even though Bert said not to go if I felt bad) until I called to confirm the schedule and the girl who answered told me that was a "Senior Citizen's Class." Probably about the right speed for me but I still think I'll put it off til another day.

Excuses ... excuses ...

Me and my Peanut Butter

I'm not sure exactly when I developed my peanut butter addiction. I don't think I had it as a child though I do have some fond memories of fluff-r-nutters, peanut butter with strawberry jam on wonder bread, peanut butter on saltine crackers, and peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But at some point in the last couple of years I shifted from a simple pleasure taken in the occasional peanut butter sandwich to a full blown peanut butter addiction! I no longer needed bread or crackers, never mind jam, marshmallow, or bananas. Just give me a spoon and a jar of peanut butter and I could satisfy the calorie and fat goals for some small countries! I acknowledged that I had a problem when I noticed that a Warehouse sized can of creamy peanut butter was lasting less than 48 hours in our house. Can't blame it on anybody else either! Nope. It was me and my spoon! Half the time I would allow myself just one spoonful but truth to tell that was a serious stretching of the truth because I would choose the biggest spoon in the drawer and pile it so high with peanut butter that ... well ... I probably had a good cup of creamy bliss on that silly spoon! I stopped buying Peanut Butter at Sam's because I didn't need jumbo temptations.

One of my co-workers, a tiny little thing known as Charlotte, shares my fondness for all things Peanut Butter. One day I walked past her office about noon and noticed her with this tiny little container of Peanut Butter and a spoon indulging in a moment of bliss. I decided I needed to try that. So this last grocery trip I purchased Jif To Go® 6 pack of Creamy Peanut Butter singles.

Now I was appalled to note that each 2.25 ounce cup contains 380 calories worth of Peanut Butter. I don't think I want to know how many calories were in that warehouse can! So they need to be carefully controlled but I can have Peanut Butter! I am so happy!

Today my lunch was Golden Delicious Apple slices dipped in creamy Jif® Peanut Butter! I didn't even need a spoon! I did try very hard to get each delicious bit out of it's cup though! And I licked the aluminum cover!

Wonder if there's a Peanut Butter Lover's Anonymous group that I could join? Hi! My name's Beth and I'm addicted to Peanut Butter! Nah ... I'd never give it up long enough to get a "sobriety pin!"

Avoiding My Natural Tendencies

It might seem, from a casual glance at this Blog, or even from a study of my promises to exercise and the lack of follow through, that I am hopelessly undisciplined and will probably never actually do what I say I will. I understand that. In fact I lecture myself on that pretty much daily as I get up too late for a trip to the Y and go to bed having failed yet again to follow through on my "commitment." And yet it is some sort of progress that I am refusing to let momentary bad choices lead to an all out binge. I am still here admitting my failures and imperfections rather than hiding out until I have better news to share! I will keep planning to eat right and exercise and one of these days ... I will get there! And I'll "admit" that too!

I was really tired last night. Had a smoothie for dinner (as promised) and went to bed pretty early (about 8). I did lie there watching the Olympics for a while. Some of those winter sports are downright amazing! I have an overactive startle reflex and I was literally yelling at some of those snow-boarders! Not to mention the speed skaters!

This morning I didn't wake up until my alarm went off at 6:45 and even then I didn't particularly want to get up! Obviously water walking didn't happen. There is still some possibility that I might make it to a Water Aerobics class tonight though. We'll see. Breakfast was a smoothie (tropical fruits, strawberry protein powder, skim milk). Mid morning snack was a Golden Delicious Apple and a small piece of Colby Jack cheese.

My knees, particularly the left one, are really aching today. It's still really cold outside and I suspect that is part of it. My hormonal imbalances seem to be getting some better. I'm still more fatigued than I would prefer and muscle pain is still present though less intense. Maybe I'll actually live through this! LOL! Unfortunately I also have a rather upset tummy today. Not nauseous just achy and pressure. Oh well.

I was at Walgreens this past weekend and noticed that they carry the FullBars® that Mom had suggested might be a help to me. They were formidably expensive, at least at Walgreens, and made primarily of Soy Protein. I try to avoid Soy because it messes with thyroid function. Besides which I don't particularly like the flavor. Anyway ... wanted you to know that I did look into it. I actually don't have much trouble getting adequate fiber between fruits, whole grains. and fiber supplements. And I have been known to drink a glass of Benefiber prior to meals when I am struggling with portion control. (Probably ought to keep some packets in my purse for days when I unexpectedly land in a restaurant full of bad choices late in the day!)

Time for acouple of trips down the hall to the ladies room and to refill my water bottle. More later ...

Convenient Excuses?

I wasn't really inclined to make myself go to the Y tonight anyway and then I got held up at work for a while so I didn't have time to make it to either Thornton or Owasso in time for class. I'll try again tomorrow. Honest!

I'll probably have a smoothie for dinner. I probably over-estimated my lunch calories (better than under-estimating) but I still don't need a whole lot to eat tonight.

Not sure how much of tonight's Olympic coverage I'll make it through. My bed is looking awfully good!

Here we go again ...

Among other challenges, we had a potluck lunch at work today. I brought chicken enchilada soup (yum) and if I had stuck with just that all would have been well! But of course I didn't do that. I had cornbread and a sugar cookie and a piece of cake and a virgin margarita and ... well ... you get the picture!

I packed my swimsuit, etc. and threw the bag in my truck this morning so I could go to Water Aerobics after work if I was so inclined. It's a little after 4:00 now and I am feeling far more inclined to go home and watch the Olympians exercise rather than do it myself! I am just really tired and I have a headache. Probably sugar induced. Sigh. I'll pull it together eventually!

True Confessions

It's after 10:00 and we got home at least 3 hours later than anticipated! I ate wedding cake and drank punch. Then we went to Cracker Barrel for dinner and I indulged in a carb-fest! I am not getting up at 5:00 to go out in below freezing temperatures to go to the Y and walk in the pool! Tomorrow is another day and a new chance for a new beginning! And that's all I'm saying for now because it's late and I'm exhausted!

Quick Follow-Up re:Knees

A comment from my mom made me realize that I hadn't been very specific regarding specific outlook/expectations re:knee shots. Dr. Movva said not to expect much, if any, improvement until about a week after the third shot. For some people it takes longer. Obviously I would rather feel good much faster than that but I will try to be patient.

Salmon's in the oven. Making salads to go with it. Some days diet food is downright awesome!

Saturday

Got on the scale again this morning just to see what difference morning made and I was down 3 more pounds. Now I need to stay off the silly thing except for Monday mornings. I have a decidedly unhealthy tendency to weigh in every few hours and get discouraged when I don't see changes or worse yet, when the changes go the wrong way! I'm choosing Monday mornings as my official weigh in point for a couple of reasons. 1. It's a good starting point. 2. It will help keep me disciplined on the weekend knowing that Monday is coming.

I actually went to get my allergy shots yesterday afternoon but they couldn't give them to me. LOL I missed too many and they have to check with the doctor to figure how where to start me back. It's a bit discouraging because I was at my maximum dosage and nearly at once a month and now I have to go back to weekly. Oh well ... it's my own silly fault! And even I was shocked to realize that I had missed 7! Whoops!

Not sure what's on the agenda for the rest of today. My knees really hurt so I hope whatever it is doesn't entail too much walking! I got the majority of my errands run yesterday although we do still need to get the water bottles filled and I would like to get by Sam's for fruit popsicles and boneless chicken if nothing else. We're going to go pick up a rental car in a few minutes because we're driving to Shawnee tomorrow for a wedding. Josiah is riding down with friends but wants to come back with us and we just don't all fit comfortably in any of our trucks. They called a bit ago and said they would have a Malibu ready for us at 11:30. Every time we rent a Malibu I regret anew wrecking mine! For all sorts of reasons.

We'll have to take the car back Monday morning so I will probably not get to the Pool until evening. I still plan to do it on Monday though! :)

Guess that's it for now. More later ...

New scale

I took the non-functional scale back to Target this afternoon and purchased a new one. Didn't get any bells and whistles because my primary desire was to have one that was "high capacity." I knew, from weighing in at the doctor's office about 2 weeks ago, that I started this go round at roughly 415. This afternoon my new scale says I am at 399.4. At first that number really bugged me but then I reminded myself of a couple of facts:

1. I am back out of the 400s (which is a major accomplishment) and I don't plan to EVER return!
2. I have lost roughly 15 pounds in 2 weeks in spite of the fact that my endocrine system is messed up, I do not feel well, I haven't exercised, my eating has not been perfect, and we travelled last weekend (which always makes me gain)!
3. The journey of 200 pounds starts with a single ounce!
4. EVERY ounce lost is a victory and sure as shooting beats one gained!
5. It's 5:30 p.m. and I may weigh 5 pounds less tomorrow morning!
6. My doctors will both be thrilled with my progress
7. etc.

Shots in my knees were not a particularly pleasant experience but it was tolerable. If they help it will be worth it!

Really not feeling good so I'm going to go relax for a bit. Talk to y'all later! :)

Finally Friday

This has felt like a very long week! My weekend will start in 2 hours though because I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon so I'm leaving at noon. Yay!

I made RibEye Steaks and a fresh pasta (Buitoni Whole Wheat 3 Cheese Tortellini) for dinner last night. Quick and easy. Tried to pass that pasta past the particular palate of my picky progeny (made Josiah taste it) and he wasn't terribly impressed. Told me it tasted too "wheaty." Then when he prayed over our meal and he thanked God for providing this food, I informed him that God provided whole grains! Man messed them up by bleaching them! He just laughed at me and still wouldn't eat more than one piece of pasta. Not going to be easy to turn that "child" onto health foods! Bert was out working late and ate dinner with his cousin's family so he wasn't there to try the pasta but I think he would have liked it. I thought it was quite good!

I asked Josiah yesterday to look honestly at his schedule and tell me if he really believed he was going to find time to watch American Idol. He isn't! At least not on any sort of regular basis. So since I was home alone last night I rested in my recliner and caught up on Hollywood Week. Whatever you may think about Ellen's personal and political choices, the lady is FUNNY! I think she will make an excellent addition to the judge's panel on AI!

FLN is showing the episode of Biggest Loser, that was pre-empted by Big12 Basketball the other night, tonight so I'm hoping we can watch that once Bert gets home. I hate to get behind for a few reasons. For one thing I just like the show and find it inspirational and sometimes a source of helpful information as I face my own journey to better health. Beyond that ... when I fall behind I inevitably find out details about the show that I would rather not know before watching it, like who got eliminated, while I am browsing Facebook or some of the Blogs that I follow.

Aside from that it has the potential to be a fairly busy weekend! I did manage to get most of the grocery shopping done on Wednesday so that's good. But we need to get the water bottles filled and pick up items that we still need. And maybe make a Sam's trip. Not sure if we really need anything there. I also need to go to Akin's (health food store) for some Whey Protein Powder (strawberry). And to Target to exchange my non-functional scale and buy a wedding gift. A haircut and allergy shots are on the essential to-do list for this afternoon. Catch up on laundry and basic housework. Tomorrow morning I may go to a Homemade Gorumet Demo. And Sunday we are going to Shawnee for a wedding.  I think I'm less busy at work!

About the Homemade Gourmet Demo ... I want to go. I have started using some of their products and would probably find the demo helpful and inspiring. The issue? Most of the people there I haven't seen since I started really gaining all this weight back. :( I bumped into one of them one day at Taco Bueno and she just looked appalled by my weight gain. (I don't blame her and I am assuming a level of "judgment" that my not have really been there.) So to face a whole group of people that I haven't seen in a few years with 150 extra pounds loaded on my substantial frame just doesn't sound fun! BUT - I cannot hide out until I lose the weight! I need to learn to quit worrying about what other people may or may not think! And I need to learn to love me for who I am regardless of what I weigh and quit focusing so much on stuff that really doesn't matter! I cannot hide out until I am slim again. Sigh ... I'll let you know what I decide. It would be so much easier to just sleep in!

Diet ...

Obviously I am not doing Atkins this go round. It is a bit tempting since I know how well it has worked for me in the past. But I also have sufficient experience leading me to believe that for me, and my family, it is not workable long term. Too much deprivation. What I am doing is more South Beach. I considered Weight Watchers and may go that route eventually if I need more structure. Right now I am trying to do healthy foods in reasonable portions. I keep track of calories in my Body Bugg software and know that if I eat my goal of 1250 calories a day less than I burn ... I should be on track to have lost 200 pounds by late next summer. And if it takes me longer than that I am okay with it! As long as I'm not gaining!

Today I made a smoothie for breakfast (without shredded plastic) and am munching on an apple and a small piece of cheddar while I'm typing this. I surely do enjoy the freedom to enjoy fruit in relatively unlimited quantities! Not sure what lunch will be since I have errands to run en route to the doctor's office but I will practice restraint! I promise!

Today is the first of 3 Orthovisc® injections in my knees. Really hoping it will bring some improvement! I would love to be able to spend my lunch breaks strolling around the beautiful TU Campus again once the weather warms up. Speaking of which ... I am surely ready for Spring!

I wrote an e-mail to Parking and Security today explaining my situation and asking for permission to park in the parking lot closest to my office. Technically it is a visitor's lot. Reserved for visitors thinking about attending TU as well as Board members and alumni when they are here for meetings. We are discouraged from parking there (by $50 fines and being towed) but I'm hoping they will make a temporary exception for me. We'll see. The BSU lot is even closer but they are notorious for their inflexiblity in sharing. Can't entirely blame them since they only have 10 spaces and there are days when they need all of them. Anyway ... we'll see what happens.

Well, I guess I have blathered on long enough. Hopefully I will find time to post more throughout the weekend but if not ... I'll see you Monday! Have a good one ...

l-o-n-g day!!!!

I just told Charlotte that I have 2 tendencies when I am bored. One is to shop (online or browsing catalogs). The other is to eat. Neither is good for me! And so begins the long quiet Spring and Summer. Too bad I can't sneak out of here to go water walking during the work day!

Mid-afternoon snack was an orange and a piece of cheddar cheese. No cookies anywhere on the horizon! :)

Almost 3:30 and the mail is somewhere in the building so I should have at least 15 - 20 minutes of activity at some point between now and 5:00. I wish there was some way to balance the lack of work at this time of year with the overwhelming quantities we face from August - January. There will probably be a few more days when we will be swamped all at once but for the most part this is the beginning of our down time. I do need to bring in my laptop and work on bringing personal and business financial records up to date. The thought of doing that at all isn't pleasant. The thought of doing it with a headache is worse! I'll postpone that little chore at least a few more days.

I can also catch up on some of the TV programs that I don't have time to watch at home since so many of them are available online. I became a LOST addict entirely online. That one nearly got me in trouble as I screamed out loud when some poor unsuspecting soul got sucked into a jet engine. LOL! The other ones that I enjoy watching online are Amazing Race, 20/20, Primetime Live, and some times The Apprentice. I liked that last one better when it wasn't celebrities and I can only tolerate so much of the Donald. His hair alone makes me shudder. Comb overs really should be illegal!

And then there are all the online games. I can play BubbleTown for hours! If I get bored enough I might even start a FB farm. No matter what Dr. Phil thinks!

Actually once I get the financial mess ironed out maybe I'll start working on turning digital pictures into memory books. I really think that at this point in my life digital scrapbooking will work better for me than paper, pens, scissors and stickers! Undoubtedly cheaper too!

And then there is blogging ... that could keep me busy all by itself! Even when I have absolutely nothing to say that's worthy of being committed to print!

Standing Up

Not sure what is going on but every time I stand up after sitting for any length of time I get a raging headache with intense pressure in my head/ears. I agree ... it sounds like blood pressure. But my blood pressure is coming down to more reasonable levels. I guess I should bring the cuff with me to work for a few days so I can check it during the day and especially at the times that I get the headache. But that's usually when I have been sitting for a while and need to go to the bathroom NOW! (Wouldn't I look cute racing down the hall with a blood pressure cuff hanging off my left arm?) What's really weird is that when I get to the bathroom and sit down the pressure dissipates immediately. The headache isn't so considerate. It generally hangs on for a while. I suppose it's more of the same "adjusting to new meds" thing. Hope it ends soon though. I don't like it!

Handicapped?

I wrote this on one of my other blogs today but thought this part belonged here too.

Got home last night and discovered that my Handicapped Parking placard had arrived. I have really mixed feelings about that. I have always resented people who took the handicapped spaces when they obviously didn't need them. And I have also had a tendency to be judgmental about people who appeared to be handicapped primarily by their obesity (their own bad choices) and I swore I would never be one of those people! Well ... here I am! And it's more complicated than it appears (as may be the case for some of those I have judged in the past) so I am not limited only by my obesity although it certainly makes things worse. Anyway ... I accept the parking placard, because it will allow me to pursue a normal life and make it easier for me to pursue exercise without risking injury, but it is my sworn goal to no longer need it by the time it expires in February 2015! At least as far as is within my control! Will I be slender in 2015? I don't know. I doubt it. But I will not be morbidly obese. And I will no longer suffer with a self-imposed handicap!


In the meantime I am convicted by Matthew 7: 1 - 2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." I dared to judge others whom I assumed were handicapped by their own choices and now I find myself in a similar boat wondering if I appear that way and sit under judgment by others. Not too comfortable. I have always had a tendency to be quick to judge, to leap to criticism (and some times unsolicited advice), to render lofty opinions on matters that are none of my business. And from time to time God has drawn me up short and convicted me of my attitudes or used life experiences to show me what it is like to be on the receiving end of such judgments. It' not at all pleasant!

I'm sure it won't suprise anyone who reads my musings on even a semi-regular basis that I loved this passage (in context and beyond) in the Message:

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.


Matthew 7:1-5, The Message

I think that a critical spirit must be one of the ugliest things on earh and yet so many of us, especially believers who should know better, struggle with it! Or worse yet ... don't bother to struggle. We just accept it (in ourselves if not others) as a normal part of living in the flesh and we continue to indulge in our haughtiness. But that is living in the flesh and THAT IS NOT what we are called to! We are called to live by the Spirit and the Spirit does not judge, he is not haughty or condemning, or quick to render unsolicited opinions!

I wish I could have learned this lesson an easier way. But if it took touching my knees and back with arthritis and allowing me to regain the weight it took me years to lose in order to teach me that my critical spirit is ugly in God's eyes ... then I welcome the pain! I only hope that I also grow from it ... in wisdom, though hopefully not in stature!

Thrilled that it's Thursday

Because the weekend is almost here! :)

I got up this morning, exhausted as normal, sat in the bathroom nursing a splitting headache, and decided I had a decision to make: I could continue to mourn my pitiful state and be miserable on top of not feeling good or I could choose to have a good day in spite of my circumstances! I CHOOSE to have a good day!

Per the usual that dirty Devil didn't approve my choice of attitude and he set out to trip me up. See my post on how not to start your day here. Actually I'm not sure I can really blame that one on him since it was my own foolishness that created my calamity (that's pretty normal too) but I do know that he doesn't approve good choices and will try to stand in the path preventing them!

But back to where I left off yesterday ...

I finished up all of my work at about 3:15 so I chose to leave the office at 4:00 in order to beat the crowds to WalMart Neighborhood Market. (I still didn't get my allergy shots. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday anyway so I will just leave extra early so I can go by the clinic to get my shots en route to the other doctor.) The thought of walking all through Wal Mart was a bit overwhelming but there were some things that we really needed and I prefer to make just one trip. (Of course I now have a list going of things that I realized we needed AFTER I got home!)

Spent about 45 minutes in WMNM getting my groceries and I was exhausted and achy when I got out. Got things loaded into the back of my little truck and realized that there was no way on earth that I was going to be able to carry everything into the house by myself. Called Josiah to ask when he would be home thinking it was cold enough to leave stuff back there for a bit if necessary. He had a study group at 6:00 and then another meeting right after and wouldn't be home until 10:00 or later. Called Bert and he was in Sapulpa. I burst into tears just thinking about trying to make that many trips carrying things on a day when it hurt to carry my purse! Bert said I shouldn't have bought groceries which I agreed with but wasn't terribly helpful at that point. I apologized for being so weepy (again ... these hormones are killing me) and told him I would manage. Then, realizing that it was only 5:15, I called Josiah and asked if he would PLEASE drive home to unload groceries for me before study group. Being the wonderful kid he is ... he agreed! Yay!

Got groceries put away and collapsed into the recliner for the better part of the evening. I'm really finding that I don't have much appetite right now (that part of this hormonal dance is welcome to stay) and I frequently don't really think that food is worth the effort that it takes to prepare. I forget to eat until my poor tummy growls in revolt! Yesterday I had only had 2 protein shakes (and a couple of cookies ... I really need to learn to just say no) and couldn't figure out something easy to fix for dinner in spite of the fully stocked kitchen. It was just me so I finally just threw some cheese on some chips and ate "nachos." Not a great choice but I'm not kicking myself (even if I had that much energy) either.

This morning I was determined to do better! I was thinking about the groceries that I wanted to bring to work (Coke Zero, Special K Protein Shakes, cheese sticks, apples, etc.) and wondering how on earth I was going to manage to carry all that. Decided to pack it, along with my lunch, into a small rolling suitcase. Worked great!

I mixed a small can of tuna with a chopped hard boiled egg and a tbsp of mayo for my lunch. (Planning ahead and preparing ahead helps ensure better choices later.) Then I made a smoothie to go for breakfast. Frozen banana, strawberry, pineapple, peach, and mango with skim milk and strawberry whey protein powder. YUMMY! Even with little bits of plastic in it. LOL! So the day is off to a good start. And I ate an apple when my tummy commenced growling at 10:30. I had bought some snack packs (100 calories) of cream cheese fruit dip but I really like the apple better au naturel! I usually eat a cheese stick or something like that when I have a piece of fruit as one of the things I have learned is that it is good to balance healthy carbs with some healthy fat and protein. Thought the cream cheese would work well for that but I really prefer my cheddar or colby jack. And I buy the cheese prepackaged in 3/4 oz sticks because I LOVE cheese and half been known to eat it by the block! (Not such a healthy choice.)

Purposeful exercise isn't happening yet. I say purposeful because as much as it wears me out to walk down the hall to the bathroom ... I think that ought to count! I have a number of errands that NEED to be run in the next couple of days so I'm not going to push it by going to the pool too BUT I am still planning on doing that (no matter what) on Monday! And I will continue to work on improving my outlook and attitude in the meantime.

Forgot to put my Body Bugg on last night but I did grab it this morning. So it is back to doing it's job of tracking calorie burn. Not sure exactly how that's going to work with the pool since it's not waterproof. I would be tempted to risk it for the water walking since it should be above water but I can't afford to replace it ($250) if the water messes it up so I doubt that I'll take that risk. There is an option within the program for manually entering activity while the monitor is not on your body. I'll just use that and hope that it's reasonably accurate.

Okay ... I am off to update my BodyBugg Online Program. May be back later ...

Weary Wednesday

I got to work this morning and put down my bags. Then before I did anything else I put a call in to my doctor to tell them that I am not enjoying this at all and something has to give! Nurse called me back about 10:00 and said she's really sorry but Doctor said it's just going to take a while to adjust and I should come in for lab work in 10 more days. Joy! I told her that I'm in a lot of pain, unbelievably fatigued, and it's affecting my ability to perform basic tasks. Her response? Sorry. It's going to take some time. The she told me to call them if the pain gets really bad but otherwise come in 10 days from now for lab work. :(

I called Bert and told him about the conversation because he has seemed, understandably, frustrated with my achiness and fatigue. I don't think he liked the response any better than I did. But we will both have to wait this one out and see what the future brings.

I am so tired today and only had enough work to keep me busy til about 9:00. Mail came late and that took another 20 minutes or so. Decided to sort and prioritize my bills and pay what I could online. Then I rought both checkbooks current (more of a chore than you might imagine). Tried repeatedly to pay the Discover bill online only to lock myself out by entering the wrong password too many times. Will have to remember to try that one again tomorrow. And everything else will have to wait because, as usual, the money ran out before the bills did! So I'm back to sitting here trying to stay awake. I may decide to leave early since I really have to run some errands today!

I usually go, with several other ladies from my office, over to Sharp Chapel for WOW (Worship On Wednesday) service and free lunch. Today my knees were just not up to the trip. Sat here and drank a Sprecial K Protein Shake instead.

Got home and realized that Bert hadn't purchased dog food yesterday after all because Reasor's didn't have Ol' Roy (the brand I buy for Lucy) and he didn't get by Wal Mart. I thought about going back out to get it last night but just couldn't dredge up the energy. I did manage to fold a load of towels, start another load of clothes, clean out the fridge (just removed out of date and spoiled items - it still needs a thorough cleaning), clean the kitchen, gather up trash and take it out, and dump some soup in a pot to heat for Bert. I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat. Eggs sounded okay but I didn't want to stand there and cook them and then have the pan to clean. (I know. It's terribly sad.) I wound up eating a few tortillas chips with some Creamy Queso. Not exactly on target for a diet meal (especially given the 3 chocolate chip cookies I ate while doing other chores) but not a full out binge either.

I made myself stay up til 9:00 last night because I refuse to sleep my life away. Would have watched American Idol with Josiah but he has class on Tuesday nights. Yet another thing on the DVR to watch later. Maybe we can find time to watch that tonight. Everybody was talking about it at work today as will be the case for day afters for weeks to come!

This morning I got up and took a shower and washed my hair. By the time I was dressed I wanted a nap more than I wanted to head out the door for work! I had plugged my Body Bugg in to charge while I showered and forgot to grab it to put it back on. Noticed it after I was dressed but didn't have the energy to pull my sweater back off so I could put it on. I'll put it back on tonight.

I truly do need to go get my allergy shots and run by WalMart on my way home. Really tempted to leave early. Especially since I'm caught up on my work. We'll see ...

An Excellent Reminder for Yet Another Day of Pain

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

4:00 ...

... and my headache is still going strong. Starting to feel really sick at my stomach too which could be as much from lack of adequate food as it could from the headache although migraines do some times cause me to become really queasy. Anyway at this point it looks like my afternoon plans may get cut back to a quik trip to Wal Mart Neighborhood Market for a few essentials (like dog food ... otherwise I would even postpone that) and then home for another early night.

Maybe tomorrow? And next week is supposed to make it into the 40s and 50s (thank you!) which is more likely to inspire trips to the pool! Especially if I feel halfway decent!

edited at about 4:30 ... Bert just called from the grocery store to ask about dog food. :) What a great guy! 30 minutes and I am outta here!

It's a Conspiracy!

They're messing with me!

Big XII Basketball vs. Biggest Loser

 Due to KJRH's coverage of Big XII Basketball on Tuesday evening the Biggest Loser will be tape delayed and will air on Sunday, February 14th

They don't understand that

1. I look forward to this all week
2. The alternate airing time is not at all convenient
3. They are messing with my excuse for not going to Water Aerobics! 

Still not sure I'll make it to a class tonight because

1. this headache is NOT easing up,
2. I really need to go get my allergy shots and go get a few groceries,
3. and I may find an alternate showing somewhere in those 250+ channels of programming that I pay the big bucks for!

Trudging thru Tuesday

It's destined to be one of those days! I just plain don't feel good and I'm not sure what to blame for this general, and completely annoying, malaise!

I've had a headache every day for 20 months now (whoo hoo) and have kind of gotten used to that so I try to just live with them unless they get bad. Today's is bad! Josiah has one too so maybe it's atmospheric or weather related or something. I had a really bad one yesterday too and went to bed at 7:00. Hoping some Excedrin will knock some of the power out of this one!

Realized this morning that I haven't managed to make myself go in for my allergy shots since before Christmas. (I suppose that could explain the headache.) Maybe I'll dredge up the energy to go today.

Living with wild hormone imbalances too! Not only is my entire endocrine system out of whack thanks to the change in thyroid medicine but it's also "that time of the month." Quite frankly since I have been dealing with this little "joy" since I was 12 and I'm done having babies ... I think it should just pack it's bags and go away! I've had about a year now of literally hoping that this might be the last time I have to put up with this nonsense! Some signs that the end is near (those aren't much fun either) but so far ... oh well ... enough said!

And then just to keep things interesting there is my recent struggle with arthritis in my neck and knees. There are days (today is one of them) when my neck feels like shattered glass with the pieces grinding against each other. Come to think of it ... that could also explain the headache! It's not painful in the sharp stabbing sense of the word but it sure as goodness hurts! With my knees ... the left is far worse than the right but they both hurt. Today was bad enough that I wrote a note explaining why I was parking in the wrong lot before I even left home. Then I got here and the closest lot was blocked off for a Board of Trustees meeting. So I had to park in my usual lot and the closest spot left was handicapped. I don't have my placard yet so I parked there and left my note hoping it would cover the technicality. (I have a copy of my application if I get a ticket.) I beginning to think there may be some arthritis in my spine / hips as well. Who knows! I'm beginning to wonder if growing old really beats the alternative!

Work wasn't too heavy today so I was sort of piddling along, taking e-mail and Facebook breaks, and making a photo blog post about my office. Got through the morning apps about the time the mail arrived and that kept me busy til lunch. I took college transcripts down the hall to Charlotte's office and told her I was going to take a nap. Came back to my office, turned off all the lights, put my music on low, turned on my little space heater, and "snuggled" up on my floor with my jacket as a pillow. (I'd really like to add a recliner, or at least a self-inflating mattress, to my office furnishings.) It wasn't the coziest nap in history but I did fall asleep! I really wasn't sure I would because I have never been one of those people who can sleep anywhere and the floor was not that comfortable! Slept for about 45 minutes though and then managed to get back up off the floor so all is well!

Food? Well ... it hasn't been BAD today but it's not exactly exemplary either. I really must get to the grocery store. (I get so overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done and then I don't do any of them. Always seems easier to wait til tomorrow.) I had a Special K Protein Shake for breakfast and another one with an apple for lunch. I also ate a few (5 or 6) crumbly crackers (whole grain) that were still in my cabinet in between.

Am I getting enough water? Working on it. It's a little tough at work because the bathroom is all the way at the other end of the building (past a huge open lobby area). I have to go at the first sign of urgency because it just isn't dignified to race across said lobby unzipping as I go hoping to make it in time! There have been a few close calls so I'm cautious about how much water I drink. Especially now that my knees are causing me to hobble along. Sigh. Some times I think "Gotta Go Right Now" should be my theme song for life! Especially on the days that I do get lots of water in and I have to make that trek 10 or 12 times in the course of an 8 hour work day! And there have been occasions (I'm never sure how to spell that word) when I have made the trip 3 or 4 times in the course of an hour!

Exercise? Well ..... um .... hmmmmm ... not unless all those trips down the hall and back and to and from the parking lot count! I actually woke up about 4:30 this morning and considered getting up to go to the Y Pool. Didn't require a whole lot of effort to talk myself out of it. (blush) And then when I did step outdoors at nearly 8:00 on my way to work my first thought was that I was glad I had stayed in bed since it was way too cold for even an indoor pool! I will find this a whole lot easier t do when the morning temperatures are somewhere above freezing! Preferably way above! But I do need to quit talking about it and GO already!

Biggest Loser is on tonight. Maybe I'll find some brand new inspiration! Or maybe I should skip the TV (for now ... it's set to record) and go to a Water Aerobics class. It's just so much easier to stay home! Especially when I don't feel good!

Brownies for Breakfast and Other Miss-steps

One of the largest challenges to my maintaining control over my dietary choices is probably going to be the workroom right outside my office door. Not only is it a workroom for our envelope stuffing work-study students and the home for the thousands of documents needed by a college admissions office as well as our scanning equipment and coffee-pot but it is also the unofficial repository for all kinds of dietary indiscretions! Scarcely a day goes by that doesn't bring some tempting treat to those innocent looking counters and Mondays are the worst. People who have baked (or purchased) assorted yumminess over the weekend and are now on a Monday morning new beginning bring the leftover treats to tempt the rest of us! There are any number of items that I can, and will, resist! Celery sticks, brocolli florets and baby carrots with ranch dressing I can bypass without a second glance. Okay ... I like the ranch. It's the veggies I can live without! Healthy whole grain muffins don't really flip my switches either! But German Chocolate Brownies? That's just not fair! Especially on Monday morning when it's snowing outside and I don't want to be here and no one's watching and ... Okay. God's watching. But .. you know what I mean!

So this morning I did not go to the YMCA, because I was too deeply ensconced in my waterbed to consider getting up and water walking in the pool, and then I came to work and had a German Chocolate Brownie with my Special K Protein Shake (that must have counteracted the bad calories, right?) for breakfast! Before you get too riled up let me point out that I did resist a second one (and last time I walked by they were still there). I also resisted the Korean donut things. And the whole grain mufins! (Though the muffins were the easiest to resist.) And when I considered calling Mazzios for pasta delivery for lunch I changed my mind and drank another shake. I really need to restock my office or at least pack lunch to enable better choices but for now I at least bounced back from a less than excellent beginning!

I really MUST make myself get out of bed and off to the Gym in the morning (maybe tomorrow? depends partly on road conditions) so that I can start the whole making it a habit thing! Right now I can't seem to kick myself out of the revving up for it into the doing it stage! But I'm running out of excuses!

• YMCA Membership - check
• Swimsuits - check (3 of them even!)
• Water Aerobics Shoes - check (and they fit)
• Cover-Ups and Towels - check
• Doctor's permission - check
• Family encouragement - check
• excuses - check (but only bad ones)

Time to get off my all too large posterior and DO something! I really want my knees to stop hurting but I can't keep waiting for that to happen. I'm not sure that it will until a significant amount of the weight comes off.

Junonia finally got their acts together and sent my swimsuits. The black one I really like a lot! Here's a picture. It's called the "Little Black Dress." I guess for formal pool parties? 

This pink one I'm not quite so fond of but I think it will be okay with some swim shorts that I ordered after receiving the suit.  It's fine on top. I just prefer for my thighs to be covered ... by more than pool water! I suppose I should have just sent it back but I love the color and as much as I'm PLANNING to be in the pool multiple suits will be a good thing.

Here's a picture of the first suit that I got from Zaftique. It is an absolutely brilliant blue, which I kind of like, just not sure I want to attract any unneccessary attention! And it's a 2 piece which I really thought I would like but the top is just a bit shorter than I would prefer. Maybe that will be additional motivation for tummy shrinkage!


Had to make another hobbling trip down the hall to the Ladies Room and noted in passing that the aforementioned brownies are still there. I'll continue to resist though so I can fit into the swimsuits whenever I dredge up the will to get out of the waterbed and into the water!

I'll keep trying until I succeed and beyond! No matter how long it takes! :)

edited at 5:28 pm to admit that I caved and ate the last brownie! Sigh! :(

Biggest Loser Reflections

I don't think I mentioned it here but one of the reasons that I became very motivated to get myself back on track was my last doctor's appointment with my Primary Care Physician. Of course this was before he wreaked havoc with my endocrine system by changing me from Natural to Synthetic Thyroid medication (which I am still not happy about)! I went in to see him because my feet/ankles were very swollen and I suspected it was due to a recent increase in my Blood Pressure medication. He agreed that I was right and gave me a prescription for a diuretic (which has reduced the swelling considerably). Then he sat there in that tiny little room and told me that he had been watching my weight and blood pressure climb higher and higher for the last couple of years and he thought I should at least consider weight loss surgery. I told him I wasn't willing to risk my health and life like that and he just looked at me. I said, "Okay. I know. I'm risking my life and health like this! But I did it before and I can and will do it again!" He told me that it is going to be extremely difficult for me because my knees will not allow me to do weight bearing cardio exercise and with my left arm and neck screwed up I am limited as to what strength training I am able to do. I waited til I got to my truck to cry. Amazingly enough this was the first time a doctor has suggested this to me and I was absolutely devastated. I think that as long as no one was recommending drastic measures I could lie to myself and believe (or choose to think) that I was healthy in spite of my weight. I'm not heatlhy. Medication is not bringing my blood pressure down enough so although it's better ... it's not great. And I have to take another drug to counteract the side effect of the blood pressure meds. I take thyroid medicine, antidepressants, sleep aids, neuropathy medication, acid reflux medication, paid medication and muscle relaxants. How many of those pills could I do away with if I would just lose some of this weight? And how much money ... and how many years of life (quality active living) could that save? I have been blessed and have dodged the high cholesterol and diabetes bullets for the time being but how long is it until I add those to my litany of ailments and necessary prescriptions to fix what's wrong?

I know that a lot of the issue for me is ... well two-fold.

First I am naturally, maybe not exactly lazy but certainly unmotivated to participate in an active lifestyle. I would rather play a board game than go out and play a sport. I'd rather read a book than ... well ... just about anything! My favorite place on earth is my home wherein my favorite spots are my bed, my recliners (in front of the TV) and my desk with a computer in front of me and a TV off to the side. None of this inspires a naturally active lifestyle. I got to where I enjoyed exercise when I was doing it consistently but I had to CHOOSE to do it for a long time before I got to that place and it was still far easier for me to walk away from than it was to develop the habit! And a fact that I KNOW from personal experience as well as comments made by former BL Contestants and the doctors and trainers who work with them is that for those of us with the gene that allows for this massive weight gain ... exercise HAS TO BE a permanent lifetime commitment! I have to accept it and make it as much a part of my life as sleeping, breathing, eating, etc. FOREVER! That is not an easy thing for me. And while I can wrap my head around it mentally I have more trouble writing it onto my character and daily choices. And it's harder when I have built in excuses for not doing it!

And second ... I have never managed to get the whole "food is fuel" mentality! Oh I get it. I know that's what it's supposed to. What God created it for. Anhd He made it varied and tasty to bless us and for our enjoyment not to tempt and torment us. But somehow at some point the whole thing got twisted in my head and heart and my enjoyment of food is out of balance. There is never enough! I am never satisfied. I cannot recall one instance in my life when I have been full, satisfied, done ... unless it was when I was overstuffed and even then I can come back a little while later to wedge in just a little more because it tastes good. I love food ... especially sweets and starches and saturated fats (think Prime Rib and Cheeses). Green vegetables I could live very happily without.

So I am woefully unbalanced in a couple of key areas and I need to figure out how to fix those and restore balance in my life, my diet, my activities, etc. I'm just not sure yet how to go from knowing that to being that!

But as to the title of this post ... Bert and I watched The Biggest Loser last night and I have been thinking about a few points ...

Determination and Diligence in spite of Circumstances:

• Miggy had an appendicitis attack and was rushed to the hospital for surgery. The day after surgery she walked 13 miles! Because the doctor told her walking was the only exercise she was allowed. And the day after that she walked 18! And then he cleared her to exercise but said "If it hurts, don't do it." He also told her that in the course of the surgery they had pumped salt water into her and she was probably carrying about 8 - 9 pounds of water weight. By that time I would have decided the deck was stacked against me and curled up in a corner to cry while I resigned myself to the fact that a gain at this week's weigh in was inevitable. Instead ... she did what she could and ... she lost 5 pounds!
• Michael started this competition at over 500 pounds and John at 480+. They both have knee problems. John was not allowed to do weight bearing exercise for most of the first month of competition. He did most of his workouts in the pool. He lost weight slower than others but he did lose weight consistently. And Michael started out a little lazy and lacksidaisical but he has learned that he is stronger than he would have believed! And at 400+ pounds he is doing all sorts of things that I tell myself "I can't" without even trying!
• I know that part of that is because they are surrounded by experts. They have trainers who work with, teach, encourage, even drive them! And there are athletic trainers right there to provide massge and heat or ice or whatever it is that they need to recover in the most efficient manner. And part of it is the competition. But part of it is a head thing! Some of them get it faster than others. And if past seasons are any indication not all of them will be able to hold onto it! But for now there is something clicking in their heads that says, "Yes, you CAN!" "You ARE worth this effort!" "This WILL work!" "You will SUCCEED!" They believe in themselves and in believing they find the motivation to do whatever it takes no matter what it costs! I don't know exactly where to find that switch and turn it on.

Doing the Mental/Emotional Work:

• They are making a really big deal this season of the fact that morbid obesity is not JUST a physical condition. It is a mental/emotional state that some times has very deep roots! Being a Christian, I would venture to say that there are some spiritual aspects in there as well. (Obesity is not a sin but trying to fill a void, that needs to be satisfied by my relationship with God, with anything other than Him, including food, is a sin.) Anyway ... every week, Jillian gets right in someone's face and makes them confront whatever emotional issue they have been refusing to face (I doubt there is just one) and why they have been stuffing their feelings by overeating, drinking, smoking, etc. This week there were 2. Daris & Ashley.
• Daris admitted that he had no idea how to be anything but fat. He was "always the funny fat guy who went home alone." Jillian suggested that he find a way to be Daris who had lost 50 pounds in the past month instead of being Daris the funny fat guy. They didn't, at least on film, show anything to explain how you make the mental leap from one to another but he did exhibit an improved attitude after that and he had better weight loss this week. And I think ... shoot if a 20 somthing guy has trouble seeing any different future than what he has always known ... no wonder I can't wrap my head and heart around it! I have 51 years of mirrors, clothes that don't fit, embarrassing shopping trips, innocent comments that cut deep and snide, rude or thoughtless comments that cut deeper! I have 51 years of believing I can't! I don't know how to turn that around and believe not just that I deserve it but I CAN!
• And then there's Ashley. Another 20 something battling demons of the past and voices in her head. She was talking about how hurt she had been by her father's teasing and nagging about her weight. (Songs about bikinis ad the phrase "boing boing boing" still make me cringe and live in my head even if that was 30+ years ago. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying that they're there.) And then her dad was dying of cancer and she didn't go home soon enough because she didn't want to hear it anymore! By the time she went home he was still alive but past communication and she didn't really get to say "good-bye." Talk about regrets! I don't have to deal with that but there are a lot of people that I avoid because I don't want to "hear it anymore." I don't want to see judment or dissappointment or shock in their eyes.
• But then I was thinking ... if Jillian climbed up on my treadmill and made me face my demons, what would come out? My dad teased in ways that I frequently found hurtful but as an adult I know and accept that he did not do that to be cruel. He thought I should be tough enough to take it and I'm not sure that he understands even to this day that I just wasn't. That some of that teasing cut deep and left scars that I still struggle with. That said, he is not responsible for my choices to feed my hurts with food instead of taking them to God. Being chosen first for any academic team but last for athletic ones from kindergarten on left me with a clear impression that physical strength and beauty were more to be desired than brains. I never ever believed I was pretty. Not sure why. I saw myself as fat always even though in retrospect I think that my teen years were actually pretty healthy and I grew into what I believed myself to be in my 20s. There have been friends and other family who have said unkind things. I'm not a duck and cruelty does not roll easily off my back. I tend to take it in and ruminate on it and ultimately it grows bigger than it ever was to begin with. Relationships that have left more regrets and bad memories than fond ones. Children, in thier blunt and absolute honesty, say some of the harshest things. My husband (God bless him) is a wonderful man and I love him but he has not always said or done the right thing and some times he has hurt my feelings! (And I have hurt his.) How about knowing my children are embarrassed by my size? My grandson telling me that I eat too much and if I don't believe him I should look in a mirror? So are those the things that would pour out if I was pressed to say why? Why I do this to myself? Why I don't deserve to be attractive and healthy? I don't know. I just don't know.
• I think, ultimately, there is something in me that just cannot see me as I was created to be. And I don't know that the fault for the inability lies in any person or combination of people. I think it's a result of living in a fallen world. It's being prone to believe the perverted truth, the half truth and the outright lie rather than investing energy in pursuit of the truth. It's looking for answers and peace and comfort in places and things where they were never intended to be found. It's in holding onto the hurts rather than laying them at the foot of the cross. It's choosing to hold onto despair when I am offered joy! It's choosing to accept defeat when I am promised victory! It's pursuing self-gratification rather than God's pleasure. It's making relationships with fallable and imperfect people more important than my relationship with God. It's human. And the struggle may not ever be completely won this side of Heaven but I can grow! I can be and do better! And I don't think NBC would ever share that revelation!

Enough introspection for today.

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.
Phil. 4:12-13, The Message