Biggest Loser Reflections

I don't think I mentioned it here but one of the reasons that I became very motivated to get myself back on track was my last doctor's appointment with my Primary Care Physician. Of course this was before he wreaked havoc with my endocrine system by changing me from Natural to Synthetic Thyroid medication (which I am still not happy about)! I went in to see him because my feet/ankles were very swollen and I suspected it was due to a recent increase in my Blood Pressure medication. He agreed that I was right and gave me a prescription for a diuretic (which has reduced the swelling considerably). Then he sat there in that tiny little room and told me that he had been watching my weight and blood pressure climb higher and higher for the last couple of years and he thought I should at least consider weight loss surgery. I told him I wasn't willing to risk my health and life like that and he just looked at me. I said, "Okay. I know. I'm risking my life and health like this! But I did it before and I can and will do it again!" He told me that it is going to be extremely difficult for me because my knees will not allow me to do weight bearing cardio exercise and with my left arm and neck screwed up I am limited as to what strength training I am able to do. I waited til I got to my truck to cry. Amazingly enough this was the first time a doctor has suggested this to me and I was absolutely devastated. I think that as long as no one was recommending drastic measures I could lie to myself and believe (or choose to think) that I was healthy in spite of my weight. I'm not heatlhy. Medication is not bringing my blood pressure down enough so although it's better ... it's not great. And I have to take another drug to counteract the side effect of the blood pressure meds. I take thyroid medicine, antidepressants, sleep aids, neuropathy medication, acid reflux medication, paid medication and muscle relaxants. How many of those pills could I do away with if I would just lose some of this weight? And how much money ... and how many years of life (quality active living) could that save? I have been blessed and have dodged the high cholesterol and diabetes bullets for the time being but how long is it until I add those to my litany of ailments and necessary prescriptions to fix what's wrong?

I know that a lot of the issue for me is ... well two-fold.

First I am naturally, maybe not exactly lazy but certainly unmotivated to participate in an active lifestyle. I would rather play a board game than go out and play a sport. I'd rather read a book than ... well ... just about anything! My favorite place on earth is my home wherein my favorite spots are my bed, my recliners (in front of the TV) and my desk with a computer in front of me and a TV off to the side. None of this inspires a naturally active lifestyle. I got to where I enjoyed exercise when I was doing it consistently but I had to CHOOSE to do it for a long time before I got to that place and it was still far easier for me to walk away from than it was to develop the habit! And a fact that I KNOW from personal experience as well as comments made by former BL Contestants and the doctors and trainers who work with them is that for those of us with the gene that allows for this massive weight gain ... exercise HAS TO BE a permanent lifetime commitment! I have to accept it and make it as much a part of my life as sleeping, breathing, eating, etc. FOREVER! That is not an easy thing for me. And while I can wrap my head around it mentally I have more trouble writing it onto my character and daily choices. And it's harder when I have built in excuses for not doing it!

And second ... I have never managed to get the whole "food is fuel" mentality! Oh I get it. I know that's what it's supposed to. What God created it for. Anhd He made it varied and tasty to bless us and for our enjoyment not to tempt and torment us. But somehow at some point the whole thing got twisted in my head and heart and my enjoyment of food is out of balance. There is never enough! I am never satisfied. I cannot recall one instance in my life when I have been full, satisfied, done ... unless it was when I was overstuffed and even then I can come back a little while later to wedge in just a little more because it tastes good. I love food ... especially sweets and starches and saturated fats (think Prime Rib and Cheeses). Green vegetables I could live very happily without.

So I am woefully unbalanced in a couple of key areas and I need to figure out how to fix those and restore balance in my life, my diet, my activities, etc. I'm just not sure yet how to go from knowing that to being that!

But as to the title of this post ... Bert and I watched The Biggest Loser last night and I have been thinking about a few points ...

Determination and Diligence in spite of Circumstances:

• Miggy had an appendicitis attack and was rushed to the hospital for surgery. The day after surgery she walked 13 miles! Because the doctor told her walking was the only exercise she was allowed. And the day after that she walked 18! And then he cleared her to exercise but said "If it hurts, don't do it." He also told her that in the course of the surgery they had pumped salt water into her and she was probably carrying about 8 - 9 pounds of water weight. By that time I would have decided the deck was stacked against me and curled up in a corner to cry while I resigned myself to the fact that a gain at this week's weigh in was inevitable. Instead ... she did what she could and ... she lost 5 pounds!
• Michael started this competition at over 500 pounds and John at 480+. They both have knee problems. John was not allowed to do weight bearing exercise for most of the first month of competition. He did most of his workouts in the pool. He lost weight slower than others but he did lose weight consistently. And Michael started out a little lazy and lacksidaisical but he has learned that he is stronger than he would have believed! And at 400+ pounds he is doing all sorts of things that I tell myself "I can't" without even trying!
• I know that part of that is because they are surrounded by experts. They have trainers who work with, teach, encourage, even drive them! And there are athletic trainers right there to provide massge and heat or ice or whatever it is that they need to recover in the most efficient manner. And part of it is the competition. But part of it is a head thing! Some of them get it faster than others. And if past seasons are any indication not all of them will be able to hold onto it! But for now there is something clicking in their heads that says, "Yes, you CAN!" "You ARE worth this effort!" "This WILL work!" "You will SUCCEED!" They believe in themselves and in believing they find the motivation to do whatever it takes no matter what it costs! I don't know exactly where to find that switch and turn it on.

Doing the Mental/Emotional Work:

• They are making a really big deal this season of the fact that morbid obesity is not JUST a physical condition. It is a mental/emotional state that some times has very deep roots! Being a Christian, I would venture to say that there are some spiritual aspects in there as well. (Obesity is not a sin but trying to fill a void, that needs to be satisfied by my relationship with God, with anything other than Him, including food, is a sin.) Anyway ... every week, Jillian gets right in someone's face and makes them confront whatever emotional issue they have been refusing to face (I doubt there is just one) and why they have been stuffing their feelings by overeating, drinking, smoking, etc. This week there were 2. Daris & Ashley.
• Daris admitted that he had no idea how to be anything but fat. He was "always the funny fat guy who went home alone." Jillian suggested that he find a way to be Daris who had lost 50 pounds in the past month instead of being Daris the funny fat guy. They didn't, at least on film, show anything to explain how you make the mental leap from one to another but he did exhibit an improved attitude after that and he had better weight loss this week. And I think ... shoot if a 20 somthing guy has trouble seeing any different future than what he has always known ... no wonder I can't wrap my head and heart around it! I have 51 years of mirrors, clothes that don't fit, embarrassing shopping trips, innocent comments that cut deep and snide, rude or thoughtless comments that cut deeper! I have 51 years of believing I can't! I don't know how to turn that around and believe not just that I deserve it but I CAN!
• And then there's Ashley. Another 20 something battling demons of the past and voices in her head. She was talking about how hurt she had been by her father's teasing and nagging about her weight. (Songs about bikinis ad the phrase "boing boing boing" still make me cringe and live in my head even if that was 30+ years ago. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying that they're there.) And then her dad was dying of cancer and she didn't go home soon enough because she didn't want to hear it anymore! By the time she went home he was still alive but past communication and she didn't really get to say "good-bye." Talk about regrets! I don't have to deal with that but there are a lot of people that I avoid because I don't want to "hear it anymore." I don't want to see judment or dissappointment or shock in their eyes.
• But then I was thinking ... if Jillian climbed up on my treadmill and made me face my demons, what would come out? My dad teased in ways that I frequently found hurtful but as an adult I know and accept that he did not do that to be cruel. He thought I should be tough enough to take it and I'm not sure that he understands even to this day that I just wasn't. That some of that teasing cut deep and left scars that I still struggle with. That said, he is not responsible for my choices to feed my hurts with food instead of taking them to God. Being chosen first for any academic team but last for athletic ones from kindergarten on left me with a clear impression that physical strength and beauty were more to be desired than brains. I never ever believed I was pretty. Not sure why. I saw myself as fat always even though in retrospect I think that my teen years were actually pretty healthy and I grew into what I believed myself to be in my 20s. There have been friends and other family who have said unkind things. I'm not a duck and cruelty does not roll easily off my back. I tend to take it in and ruminate on it and ultimately it grows bigger than it ever was to begin with. Relationships that have left more regrets and bad memories than fond ones. Children, in thier blunt and absolute honesty, say some of the harshest things. My husband (God bless him) is a wonderful man and I love him but he has not always said or done the right thing and some times he has hurt my feelings! (And I have hurt his.) How about knowing my children are embarrassed by my size? My grandson telling me that I eat too much and if I don't believe him I should look in a mirror? So are those the things that would pour out if I was pressed to say why? Why I do this to myself? Why I don't deserve to be attractive and healthy? I don't know. I just don't know.
• I think, ultimately, there is something in me that just cannot see me as I was created to be. And I don't know that the fault for the inability lies in any person or combination of people. I think it's a result of living in a fallen world. It's being prone to believe the perverted truth, the half truth and the outright lie rather than investing energy in pursuit of the truth. It's looking for answers and peace and comfort in places and things where they were never intended to be found. It's in holding onto the hurts rather than laying them at the foot of the cross. It's choosing to hold onto despair when I am offered joy! It's choosing to accept defeat when I am promised victory! It's pursuing self-gratification rather than God's pleasure. It's making relationships with fallable and imperfect people more important than my relationship with God. It's human. And the struggle may not ever be completely won this side of Heaven but I can grow! I can be and do better! And I don't think NBC would ever share that revelation!

Enough introspection for today.

I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.
Phil. 4:12-13, The Message