Just Me, Just Talking

The following is copied (word for word) from my other blog. :)


Not a meme, not a challenge, just me ... chatting with the world ...

I'm tired today. Probably, at least in part, because I ate a big lunch (pizza, salad, and mozzarella sticks) And partly because I haven't been sleeping well. I managed to reacquire my caffeine addiction while I was recovering from knee surgery. Or moreso when I came back to work and couldn't sleep until noon anymore. Anyway ... too much caffeine during the day and I have trouble falling asleep at night. Even with Ambien and melatonin and benadryl. So I lie there thinking too many thoughts, listening to my husband snore, and wishing sleep would come get me. Then I wake up tired the next day. Too many days in a row of that now. I'm ready for the weekend!

I realized, anew, yesterday that I am defining my life, and maybe me, by my size. Bert's sisters will be in Texas in June. He plans to go down and see them. I probably should go too. Don't want to. Last time I saw them I weighed MUCH less than I do now! And he is meeting a friend in town some weekend soon. I don't want to go. Last time I saw him I was slender. My mom has finally joined the Facebook revolution. (Hubby is on there a lot. I rarely am although my blog is now linked to FB. And my son got disgusted with FB several weeks ago and deleted his account.) Anyway ... Mom has uploaded lots of family pictures. Hubby kept bringing his laptop across the living room last night to make me look. There's one picture where we all looked tan and healthy and happy. I told him I don't like that picture. It makes me sad because I was slender then. How did I let this happen to me? Again! And why is it taking me so darn long to turn it around? Please don't give me platitudes about people looking past my size and seeing me, or weight not being important, or any of the like. I understand what you are saying and acknowledge some measure of truth therein. But ... I am carrying at least 200 extra pounds of weight. It is not healthy. It is not pretty. It's not even comfortable!  I don't like this fat me! I want the healthy me back. But I can't seem to find her!

We still haven't seen Erica but she did call on Saturday. Bert told her we had Drake and she asked him to have Drake call her. Drake called but he was playing a video game at the time so the call lasted all of 2 minutes. We thought maybe she would stop by to see him but she never did. I guess she called Naomi too. Naomi called and told Bert that "Erica just isn't the same person anymore." It's a sad truth. We all grow and change but this change has not been a good one. Drake was talking to me about his home and said something about his Dad & Mom. I knew by "Mom" he meant Mindy, his step-mom, and it made me sad because until Erica chose to give him up so she could pursue what she wanted, she was "Mom" and Mindy was Mindy. Now the lines are blurred. It's probably better for Drake. But it's one more sign that we have lost our Erica. Her body is still walking around Tulsa but she isn't who she once was.

I don't seem to have any lasting effects from my bumper thumper on Monday. Headache is back to the normal resident dull ache. Neck and left arm ... ehh ... no worse than before the wreck. I am experiencing some of my recurrent frustration with doctors inability to accurately diagnose and treat whatever is wrong with my neck and left arm. Today is one of those days when my ring and pinky fingers are numb and I feel this strange buzzing (like a mild electrical current) down the back of my left forearm. Nerves right? Tests say no. Who am I to argue? The one who knows what it feels like and is sick of it! That's who! Well ... on the plus side ... putting that in writing motivated me to call and make an appointment with Dr. Morgan who has joined a new practice and is available again. I like Dr. Movva well enough but I just like Dr. Morgan better. And Dr. Movva got stuck with my deductible this year so I owe him mucho dinero which I do not have at the momento!

Remember the infamous Jeep Grand Cherokee that Bert "test drove" to Texas and blew the engine in a while back? (Early March) Randy (mechanic and owner of said vehicle) went to Texas and towed it back and put a new (used) engine in it. I think Josiah is going to buy it. We need a family vehicle but we're going to wait until we get some financial junk worked out and then hopefully we can buy a newer, smaller one with better gas mileage. I rode with him to lunch today and I can barely climb into that thing!

Sort of sad note ... Recent financial calamity, a lack of funding, and a few other desirable opportunities arose making Josiah rethink China for this summer. He contacted the missionary that invited him and told him that he felt God was closing the door this year. It will be nice to have him around more this summer but I know he will miss the mission experience. I also know his employer will be glad that he is not taking off the entire month of July!

I think I will go get my mop chopped and colored today after work. It's past time. Those roots are really showing and I have to perform the parting of the bangs to be able to see over my glasses! Besides ... I always feel better when my hair is done! I'm going to hold off on the mani-pedi thing for a little while (since it's not in the budget) and make it a reward for sticking to the diet and exercise plan for a whole month. You are my witnesses! :)

I think that in anticipation of my efforts to kick my diet and exercise plan into gear I am going to work on a set of short term goals (and non-edible rewards) that I will post on my Diet & Exercise blog sometime in the next few days. I will also post a picture of me now and one of my lowest weight. I don't have a true goal weight photo that I can post as I have been 300+ since my early 20s except for that one (too short) period of time that I snuck down to below 250, took a few pictures, and then proceeded to pack it back on! Heavy sigh! Want to witness, or even encourage, my progress? Here's the place you can do that:

A few of my frequent commenters have dropped from the ranks here lately and I miss them! One in particular I wrote to and asked where she was! Thankfully she responded with an acceptable excuse. Some of the others I don't know how to reach other than commenting on your blogs. You know who you are and now you know I miss you! Take a moment and say hello. Pretty please!

I am resisting ice cream! And hot fudge sauce. They are right outside my door but I am just saying NO! Be amazed! Be very amazed!

Laters~